Ok this is supposed to be like an online diary of sorts right? So I am going to get some things off of my mind. I am really sick of this life I'm living. Strike that, I don't feel like I'm living. Just existing. I have been married for 23 years and I am very unhappy. I am the mother of three children and I can't even enjoy them anymore. I used to be happy or at the least show a happy face. I don't even bother with trying anymore. My husband was a drug addict for 25 years and has been clean for 5 years now and I WAS so proud of him but for the past 2years he has slowly become an alcoholic. Of course he doesn't believe so, just like he ignored the drug problem, he is ignoring the alcohol problem. I refuse to have anything to do with him if he is drinking. So we have small conversations in the one hour after he comes home, that is when he starts drinking. The drinking has caused our 2 older children to hate him, and they stay away from home as much as possible, cause you never know what he is going to say or do before he passes out each night. My youngest, is much of a loner I'm sure because I'm the only one he usually has contact with. But as of the past few months, he barely gets that. When I come home, I make sure there is food to eat, somehow..... then after dinner it is off to bed. I climb into bed, turn the tv on or log on the computer. But most nights, I curl up into a ball and cry myself to sleep, or just lay there and never sleep. I hate this life. I would love to pack up and leave but when you live paycheck to paycheck and have no friends that you could depend on because your whole life he has made sure somehow that I don't have close friends. And I don't anyone who would take all 4 of us in. My dad might but he lives 2 hours away, my mom would love to, but she would have to run my life if I even slept over one night. I would love to just go away. And I hate to say it but I'd like some time away from everyone. The teenagers have no clue how bad I feel, and they don't understand, that we live paycheck to paycheck, that we are not like their friends, whose parents hand out 20 dollar bills like it was kool aid. Hell we can't even afford kool aid right now. And I'm the bad guy, I am so sorry that I can't give them what they want or need. I do my best, they do not go hungry, they just may not get steak and shrimp, but peanut butter and ramen noodles. They may not wear the most update expensive clothes , but they fit and and aren't ragged. Now there are days that I don't get to eat lunch, and I haven't had a new outfit in so long....and they don't worry about if they will run out of gas in their car and have to walk or borrow gas money from someone. (their tanks are filled up each week) Just because I ask my oldest who has a full time job, to help out a little bit. I'm look at as a lousy mother, and I really hate it that I can't get them the greatest gifts for their birthdays or Christmas. So why not hate this life? I know that there are others out there suffering differently than me. But I don't get the opportunity to feel sorry for myself very often. I'd like to have a good pity party and forget everything, every problem that I have. But I can't I wake up in the middle of the night worrying about so many things. And I am just so exhausted, I hate this life. Enough said.
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